20 days till my bday ʕ – ᴥ – ʔ
саможалість
upper middle class, normal looking girl, multiple places to sit at school, family salon business, popular childhood friends, went to the right primary school (socially), overly privileged, only girl in a all boy family (meaning i was the favourite),
i honestly had perfect setup to become one of those pretty popular girls that go to parties and only have to stress about their situationships. All of my family friends went down that road and i should have followed naturally, i was bestfriends with the (now) most popular girl in my highschool and the other girls i was friends with in primary school but i just didnt follow and i have no idea why. You know how everyone cool has that one cool cousin, family friend or older sibling that impacts your interests?? misty and i talked about it and ive talked about it with multiple irls and i just dont understand. I didnt even watch much TV as a kid, i wasnt aloud to, except for in the mornings, at other peoples houses and on days with bad weather. i dont understand how i went down this path. i dont know how i was introduced to anime other than pokemon (Which everyone watched!) and i just dont understand how i got these specific interests or these personality traits or mindset. There was no influence!
other than watching youtube on my neighbours ipad there was basically no internet access until i got an ipad (thanks to a family friend) in 2019 that i was again only aloud on in the mornings, at other peoples houses and on days with bad weather. When i finally got a phone and gained full unsupervised internet access it was the end of 2022 by which i just used to watch youtube and abuse google, then i got tiktok and made my main account (that i still use) aswell as another tiktok for irls Which again; i have no idea where i got the idea to make an irl account, most year 7s just had their one account they posted on with no shame. I had already made my own set of rules for myself Without any prompting, thats how no one irl has ever found, leaked or known about my accounts.
I wasnt the teachers pet or a goody two shoes, i was in 2 extra curricular programs (though one was cancelled due to covid, i went to the other for 2.5 years) but i was normal. i was average in terms of social rankings, though i was friends with a range of kids, [some of] the popular girls, the 'weird kids', generic primary school girl groups, the naughty kids and girls everyone hated. But outside of school i hungout with 2 of the popular girls, 1 generic ranked and 2 of the hated girls. I dont understand where i went wrong. It was the perfect setup! i was supposed to follow my bestfriend when she moved to the popular group, but i didnt and i dont know why.
why whywhy why why
i dont think it wouldve mattered how perfect my setup was in the end tho. its just me, in the least manic pixie girl sounding way. well actually i didnt stand a change in the first place; got adhd from mama, asd from dads side, anxiety & ocd from those effecting environment perception and now the risk of a personality disorder SGHARSTYGHASJLK:DKLIKUYTREDTHFJGKUHLIJIKUJYHDGRTHSFYGup9usid
look at this moodboard tsu made for me (♡ˊ͈ ꒳ ˋ͈)
How do you keep a personality and get good grades??
you CANT!! atleast from my personal observations of ATAR students. all the top students lack huge parts of their personalities (if i were to compare them to what id imagine theyd be like if they didnt prioritise studying over everything else). ive been trying to figure out how to get top grades studying while keeping your whole personality intact but i think its near to impossible,, its like studying takes parts of your soul dude......... the only top kids that are uneffected are the ones that dont need to study cus they suck up info like a sponge and keep it, and thats what ive been trying to do; prioritise becoming a sponge ദ്ദി・ᴗ・)
I don’t think that you being “different” means that there’s anything wrong with you. People conform all the time because they’re scared of being judged. Lots of successful people are “weird” and some hide themselves behind perfect pretty little masks. You just (subconsciously) chose to enjoy what you love, rather than shove it away and act like the rest. People are desperately afraid of being seen as outcasts because that’s like the equivalent of being a runt. Like the mom cats who leave the “runt” to die, because she thinks that it doesn’t have a good chance of surviving. The flaw with that is, if you don’t give it a chance, then it’ll automatically fail. So being perceived as a runt doesn’t mean shit.
ReplyDeleteI’m not a professional or anything, but your interests probably seeped in quietly, like how everything else does. Maybe you got bored of the regular things popular people liked, and when you noticed different things, your brain started to search for things like it without thought. Like pattern recognition. It’s just my guess.
The thing with not becoming a corporate slave is that you shouldn’t shove away your personality and what you like for good scores on pieces of paper. Think of like every “smart” person you know, do they seem happy? If they truly have no passion and their only goal is to get good grades, then I’d say it’d be torture to live like them. It’s all just the stupid conformity thing. If you get good grades and you go to a “smart” college and you get an acceptable job, you are “normal”. If you’re “pretty”, act like a certain group, and are predictable, you’re “normal”. If you have power over something, you’re “normal” or even better. It’s all bullshit but I hope that’s just me being pessimistic.
If you want to keep your soul and not become like them, then you should ask if you think the grades are worth it. I don’t mean if they can actually help you in the future, I mean, do you actually value being smart? When no one tells you how to act, what their expectations of you are, and the judgy social shit gets stripped away, do you genuinely like being smart? If yes, then find ways to incorporate what you love into your work. If you find the internet interesting, then find a way to connect it to your work. If you like to draw, then draw as much as you like onto your biology presentation. If you like history, then explore the topics you learned in gym. That’s harder but still possible. Like the history of fitness. Or how the military learned what exercises actually help. Stuff like that.
If you don’t care about being perceived as smart, then stop trying to look smart and go do whatever you’re passionate about. You’ll be much better off pursuing things you actually enjoy rather than things you think are bullshit.
If you don’t want to do either, then you have to accept that being socially perfect and whatever comes at a cost. Which is being able to enjoy the things you love.
Yeah so basically the world is sad but that doesn’t mean you have to be too.