4/09/26

υ´• ﻌ •`υ

complain complain complain

i think im a very hard person to get along with (IRL), just cause i have a adaptive self presentation, like social mimicry.. chameleon. (ᴗ_ᴗ.) but wouldnt that make me a easy person to get along with?? no. YEs but no. i dont knwo. coming out of nowhere and presenting yourself as an ideal 'dream' person is not healthy for the receiver. i have spent an unhealthy amount of time keeping up with all sides of the internet, starting from the moment i gained full access to the internet which was in year 7, to now (year 11). its important tho!! you gotta have a vague idea of whats going on in every corner; you can tell alot about a person by the way they use the internet. Gain that one fact and bam! nat came out of nowhere being the girl of yo dreams! i feel terrible though. im still me, just playing into their fantasy and acting oblivious.  So as apart of my moral code i avoid boys at all cost, i dont wanna play into that cool girl shit unintentionally but now i got a buncha lesbians intrigued instead. im trying to ignore it but i cant!!!!!! i have clinically recognised hyper-empathy, i can FEEL their weird emotions when standing next to them. i have dug my own grave. i am sorry world, i am terrible and evil and this is my karma. ive been so easy to get along with that ive done a 360 and ended up being hard to get along with. somehow. though i can be pretty annoying sometimes, an info dumping machine (╥ᆺ╥;) 

⤷⤷ ive hurt so many people and i feel so much guilt, even if it was a subconscious action or very subtle; like knocking over the first domino. i try make sure that they learn more than they hurt but it shouldn't be happening in the first place. i disrupt the social balance and i need to be executed rather than praised online. i cannot help it!! my specific combination of personality traits, experiences and disorders made me beyond strange

more complaining

i have a hard time seeing myself in a relationship, let alone a normal relationship. So that stuff i talked about above is not ideal. i dont even really like any ships in the sense of established romance or like.. following a straight path, it needs to be messy and soul bonding. maybe thats why i lean more towards darker ships, they mean something and it takes something real to get there, something that is unreachable in a normal life under normal circumstances so.. i dont know. i claim title of sx5 archetype! i need to die. i resonate with nigel colbie SO MUCH!!!!!! i am going to spend my entire lifespan fluffing around and experimenting with all these people then crying from the guilt. #KillNatti2026

ships like: hannigram (hannibal lector x will graham), forbie (nigel colbie x alex forbes), hijiri sanagi x kosaka kengo, dexmatt (bullseye x daredevil), rakka x reki haibane renmei etcccccc.

morning routine

get up at 7:00 put my laptop and watch on charge, lock myself in the bathroom and get dressed until 7:40 (to avoid my family of morning people, they are loud and it can disrupt my whole day I dont hate them), fix hair at 7:50, check that everything i need is in my bag including making sure all of my workbooks in my tote bag, grab my watch, put my laptop in my bag, take my medication, check everything is in my bag: airpods, self charger, wired headphones for laptop, all my books, waterbottle etc. talk to brother/mum (optional), give fatty cat a kiss (if i can find her), walk to bus stop at 8:10 and get on bus at 8:15. if any of those are done wrong, any interruptions, any mistakes i cannot concentrate for the rest of the day

song of today

fin

31/08/26

૮ • ﻌ - ა

nats real life (school) survival guide

- be vague.. 
- don't merge your online life with offline life 
- understand which social categories everyone fits into
  ⤷ know your media!!
  ⤷ stay on top of trends (don't participate tho)
     ⤷ don't doomscroll, use internet properly
- make enduring first impressions
- always carry gum / extra food
- dont get caught in shallow drama
- learn social trends
  ⤷ use that advantage to create a reputation
    ⤷ for example I leaked my own sob story in
      a way that stuck, now I do whatever I want
- don't be narrowminded
- do not reference stuff irl unless some1 else does
  ⤷ no one should know what side of the internet ur on 

nats internet survival guide

- keep online and offline lives separate!!!! no irls in my online space
- have a (slightly) different user for each social media
- use internet to full potential, don't doom scroll
- don't get caught up in every internet controversy
- have an online and irl account for everything
  ⤷ if you don't say 'wuts that' when asked
- don't believe everything you see online.. OBVIOUSLY
  ⤷ keep your own values & opinions 
- use your goddamn brain!!!!
- use yo platform to talk to as many people as possible
  ⤷ I luv you people
- stay you

social life

i have alot of people to hangout with, having a wide range of interests/media knowledge have gotten me very far. it doesnt really matter though since everyone already has those preestablished bonds. i get bored anyways in my little school, ive been involved with a girls weird scheme of manipulating a girl in the year below, shes been dubbed a narcissist by our grade and ive known her for a while. no one is understanding me when i say she is not a actual narcissist, she is just very vulnerable and pretending to be someone she isnt, she essentially has no personality, just little fragments of other people that dont even make up a whole. she is such an interesting person. i havent actually helped her hurt that girl though If anything ive prevented it, she is very impressionable and its easy to tell when she is lying, she uses a different tone of voice and her posture changes So if you play into her story a little then she loses sight of what she was doing and stuffs up. i feel bad for her though, i can feel her anxiety when standing next to her, i walk with her between classes and sit with her in the music room sometimes. i was the one that indirectly got her kicked out of her old friend group two years ago, we were both being sketchy but our reputations are completely different so she just got booted; 'pity girl' or 'arrogant smart ass' which one would you trust more????????????????????? though im not sure its gonna matter in 2 years, shes got really good grades, ive got the hyper-empathy, ive got bad grades, shes got an empathy deficiency. so she is really the one winning 

dreams

i have very funky dreams sometimes, i wake up and i think about them, write them down in my sleep journal then lay back down to think about them again. i have alot of reoccuring dreams too; in my latest one im at the beach just walking along and ive got little wings like a haibane but no halo, it smells like the actual beach and im happy, i feel light but not light enough to fly. its cool but im a little confused because when i check my watch in the morning it says i was only awake for 8-16 minutes but it feels like i was staring at the ceiling for way longer. meaning i had to turn the light on, write down the dream, think then fall back asleep in that time frame which is impossible for me!!!!!!! ive had that beach dream 4 times in the last 2 weeks

why you wouldnt want to live with me

im really excited to move out and live in my own place, im just drooling imagining a quiet morning. if i have to share an apartment or dorm with someone else for university ill be praying for them though, i have alot of weird rules i follow that they must also semi-follow. i leave half eaten food around for later Dont throw it out, that biscuit will still be edible tomorrow afternoon!! i like to buy my brother fatty food and leave it in his room so im assuming id do the same for a roommate same with food i dont want, roomie will get super fat. no noise aloud. i have a staring problem. i have alot of nightmares and im a night person, i like bread sandwiches at nighttime. movie nights will be mandatory. okay more of this sounds fun rather than difficult Who wants to be my room mate?? i only half promise i wont lick you ᗜ⩊ᗜ

song of the day

30/08/26

 ꉂ૮˵˃ ꈊ ˂˵ა

DORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i was talking about archetypes with my school friends and we wondered if i fit into any, I DO! dork. dork dork dork dork. dork by definition fits me very well; short shaggy brown hair, pale but covered in freckles, pro nail biter, daydreamer, introverted but not outright shy, hyperempathetic, range of interests,,, uh okay thats not too strange when typed but if you knew me irl or very well id say it fits pretty well. i hav an 'authentic aura' apparently, not forced like the alt kids in the grades below. its engraved in my soul yo!!

waffles vs pancakes

personally i think waffles are way way wayw ay wwwwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaaaay better than pancakes. They have the little holes in them to catch the syrup and toppings while on pancakes they just slide off the side, its obvious waffles are the better option!! i mean.. i like pancakes, they are softer than waffles Resulting in the syrup absorbing better but........... i have something to confess. im biased with this because When i was a wee young child my parents would cook pancakes for breakfast and i would have 6 almost every single time. so..............so.soo.. *sniffles*...... now i cant eat pancakes without getting sick. okay??? the secrets out!! laugh at me i dont care!!!!!!! misty and i are still working on a time machine, maybe ill go back in time and stop younger me from forever ruining pancakes. 

the significance of an angel without a halo

an angel without a halo symbolizes a being that is still angelic, still good, still watching but imperfect or fallen in some way. its goodness without purity, guidance without perfection, protection without superiority; meaning you need to see and appreciate the beauty in imperfection, that will encourage you to embrace your flaws and vulnerabilities because everybody has them. i stumbled upon this concept on an article about fatalism & i really like it ^^

song of the day !!

27/08/26

 ᐡ ᐧ ﻌ ᐧ ᐡ

labels

i was asked ‘then why not label everything” on the topic of enneagrams a while back and ive been thinking about it alot.. if i labelled everything in everyone would be boring, id have more control, but it would be boring. unpredictability is apart of life   

social categories

i made a map of my yeargrade and their categories for a friend to explain how social dynamics in our grade play out and it brang up the reoccurring question of where i belong, but thats the point. im an outlier, but not because i dont fit in anywhere, i can fit into any group, there is no fixed point of where i should go because i could go anywhere and thats the point!!!! it was mentioned again today, i disrupt the social balance and i apologise OKAY????

idiot

ive got a weird friend, alot of people dont like her and i understand why but im still friends with her for whatever reason. she asks me funny questions and im curious about whats going on in her brain But she knows my weakness!! if someone asks something direct enough i must answer honestly or i feel guilty. it doesnt apply online though, i am still having trouble registering the internet and off-screen life being in the same universe .-. i feel like a completely different person online, you cant hear my tone or see the face im making or know me outside of this screen, i could be a terrible person and you would never know because the only source is me.. euuuuuuuhhh

me right now

song of the day

23/08/26

 hiya ( ¬⩊¬)

future

im a little confuzzled about my future, i love social sciences but i dont know how far i can make it. i dont see a clear picture of who i will become in the future, neither do i dont see myself directly offing myself,, maybe indirectly by someone else though. all of my dreams are about angels, i have little wings like a haibane but no halo so i dont think it really matters what i do As long as i dont force myself to be something im not. no masking i AM A FREE SOUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

life TT

i like running around doing whatever i want, im never bored just always curious, i want to know everything!!!! its got its downsides though, i am experimenting all the time and i hurt people on accident. i feel guilty. im sorry people. im thinking about adventure time That show defines me as a person, i am gonna get super back into it i dont know how i ever let it leave my mind. 

 things i like:

rain, red apples, adrenaline from nightmares, the smell of the beach, body language of tail movements in animals, biscuits, puddles, being cold, movies, social sciences, reading body language, social categorization, tumblr (even tho i dont post often), mistys art, metaphors, adventure time oc's, my son carl grimes, complicated ships with depth, cats, that short period of thinking before falling asleep, vulnerability, cheesecake, tuesdays, skeletal anatomy, watching people sleep, adventure time, making conversations awkward, thinking

dislikes:

misinformation, snoring, eye contact, shallow minded people, wednesdays, weirdos-im more than my face or my initial words, trend hoppers that never find themselves, misinfo 2x, chewing with mouth open, thinking

song of the day

16/08/26

 hi we back at it, ive been busy .-. 

i havent had much ive been wanting to talk about (≖_≖') i went to the doctors and he kinda threw me off course with my thinking but im thinking again, its weird being told it wasnt my fault for feeling weird. the medication i am taking helps with one side of my brain but hurts another. now i am aware and alive!!!!!!!! his questions were weird, he asked me what other OCD symptoms i have, LIKE ID KNOW ( T _ T ) ??? all this stuff is normal to me because it happens on the regular its hard to tell

egirls

i posted a video of me last night with a caption bout canthinky, a famous far right egirl, and my comments think im cooler than her (⸝⸝⩌⸝⸝⩌⸝⸝) im very greatful Maybe i can be popular online and myself. i stillthink canthinky is really cool outside of the far-right stuff, her eras are really cool and i remember seeing her for the first time in this video reuploaded by me. i wouldnt say she is my main inspiration tho, im inspired by alot of people but i would never ever steal their whole thing like people often do on the internet, i admire them in the way they act or their specific hobbies, they are comfortably their own people and they understand who they are and what they like. i think what lures me to them is that they do not fit into any of my generalised social catagories, its cool, we need more of that in the world 

but i would like to make a few honourable mentions though like technotrailblazer777 okay im overwhelmed nevermind i cant list anyone else, although i do wanna mention my friends tsu misty and nikto (ꈍᴗꈍ)♡ 

other perspectives

ever since the doctor ive been REALLY thinking about what i look like from an outside perspective. i have a few weird habits that have been brought to my attention from hanging out with new people. i recognise people from smell, body language, touch or voice (voice is normal) before visual which is a little weird because a few times people have come up to me from behind and ive recognised them "hey -----" and they shit their pants, id be a good daredevil. so id recognise someone by the way they physically get my attention, like a tap on the shoulder, the way that they do it tells me who they are; some people leave their hand on my shoulder until i turn around, some people just tap me, also the placement of the contact, top of the shoulder side of my arm etc etc. i play alot alot of games too, leave little hints around until they notice, hide things in their bag while we are walking and pretend to be oblivious when they ask who did it Then give it away a while later, like i was slipping lollipops into a girls bag then brang lollipops last friday. everyone loves it, its like playing a constant game. sometimes i dont even tell them in the end, id been on bad terms with a friend and i snuck a chocolate coin in his hoodie (he still doesnt know it was me). i bring alot of lollies to school or  just random things, like i said in a previous blog i gave my friend mutilated crayons for her birthday, it wasnt planned i just had them in my bag LOL. ive dont make any noise whatsoever so i frighten people, 'appear outta nowhere' ( ͡º ꒳ ͡º) which is apart of another thing, eaves dropping, unintentional but so funny. i know (almost) all the drama in my grade. on friday i was focusing on throwing a bit of trash in the bin from the table in private study while listening to the conversation, getting up and grabbing it when i missed then sitting back down and aiming, i later mentioned the conversation they were having and they went "wuuuut?? you were listening??" Yes i was, multitasking, but i dunno if its a good thing the 3rd tier girls dont like it at all, they have to be cautious when speaking and it makes me sad they are so distrusting of me. im gonna think of more right after i post this. empathy is weird aswell apparently, no one has any emotional awareness regarding each other, i am a advice god irl Body language tells you alot about a person Just small observations.. im helping a friend with her girl crush problems, it hadnt occured to her that a self proclaimed mature person wouldnt argue for so long about something they dont 'care for' plus more but she wouldnt want me to talk about it  

im trying not to sound egotistical pointing out all the things though but its just things i do, they are normal to me, ive always got something in my bag whether its lollies, bouncy ball, random stuff like crayons etc etc 

celebrity crush list again

- jarpad
- seth cohen
- young kyle gallner (but then i need to say evan peters aswell cause they got the same vibe but every girl in my grade thinks evan peters is cute so it doesnt count.)

- ticci toby

- ciara horan

- norman reedus in dark harbor (1998)

- arno frisch

- andreas ronnberg (i know i know i jus think hes cute)

- 'emo' charlie cox LOL

kin list again

- hijiri sanagi
- sam winchester
- will graham
- benjamin poindexter

- nigel colbie

- carl grimes

- isobe keisuke 

- reki haibane renmei 

 

song of the day

11/08/26

 HAPPY TUESDAY TSUESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

tuesdays are great, i got all my favourite classes (except for english) and im jolly at school, i forget i can just do whatever i want Like there is nothing stopping me from just going up to people. So i have been, i broke in (the door was unlocked) to my old history class at lunch today and left 2 bags of lollies for my classmates since i moved out of the class and i miss 'sweet treat tuesday' which is when someone has to bring in a sweat treat for the class ( ദ്ദി ˙ᗜ˙ ) NO ONE KNOWS IT WAS ME YET HAHA

as much as i like tuesdays i had some conflicting thoughts today, im unsure whether majority of people view me as enduring weird or obnoxious weird. i mean i pulled a buncha tortured crayons out of my bag infront of a buncha people i dont know, what sort of impression does that give a person????? haha. i think its really funny i dont care too much about it But i think its 60% enduring 30% obnoxious 10% other (pure hatred). i wish people were more open about their real feelings, Please tell me what you honestly think of me!! the good and the bad!! but now im thinking about it i do do (haha doodoo) alot of weird things, but in my excuse im doing them to get a reaction, get someone to ask why or just.. because. i had a dude under the impression i was an active drug user for a while, he made the assumption and i went along with it 

ive been recommended a buncha shows recently so here is my Show watchlist::

- criminal minds

- daredevil (rewatch) 

- mixte

- twin peaks

- rewatch hannibal 

- rewatch hannibal again

- dark angel

- terror in resonance 

- 5 more seasons of the mentalist

- i really need to watch criminal minds

- skam

- band of brothers 

etc etc 

there is alot more + I have alot of movies but i dont have time to write those IM MEANT TO BE STUDYING AHHHHHHHHHH ITS 10:29PM AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

song of the day

10/08/26

yo yo hi todays events:

today was fun, its my friends birthday so i gave her the crayons i tortured and stuck together last weekend!! i kinda have 2 friendgroups now tho,, ill explain using the social scale: 

the blue lines are where i sit, ive been more at the nerds as of recently because of sum drama in the 3rd tiers, they dont like me around when there is drama because 'they cant tell when i am listening' and/or 'i come out of nowhere'. its a problem because i gather information from both sides of the argument Before or during the publicized beef and creep around fixing it, which is not appreciated because teenage girls love drama. I feel bad for putting the other group so low but this is based in our year, they are all  music/drama kids with lots of friends outside of our grade, they are cool. we talk about movies, shows and today they were talking about drugs which was amazing!!!!!! im getting 1/3rd of them to watch hannibal NBC haahhahahehbhbhbhahe.. for reference these are the tumblr kids, they like brooklyn 99, sherlock, dr house, like minds, marvel etc etc its that sort of stuff, they are cool. Much more observant than the other group though, they can tell something is wrong about me but not what (i heard them talking) Other than that they are really really cool, they are being sympathetic about it and asking me questions. i like to sneak around school, no one notices me running around between classes 

↪ about 3rd tier girls

they are actually a mix of the slightly above average popular girls and the 4th tier girls.. kinda. im not sure where i sit on this scale, i could talk to anyone, i do talk to a range of people, except half of the 2nd tier pop girls They are assholes for no reason. Ive known everyone in the group since primary school and despite not having much in common they still ask where went when im not at the lunch table. i explain internet references to them, most of the time im just a human translator for ref's made by the 'nerds' or boys, i explained the daredevil lore regarding the new spiderman movie. im also a human social-situation-storage-safe haha I keep track of the drama in all groups but a portion of the 2nd tier pop girls. god im too obedient, they ask i deliver  

celebrity crush list: (just because)

- kyle gallner

- ticci toby

- jared padaleki

- seth cohen

- fem hannibal 

... and thats it

childhood 

im thinking about my childhood, its a great example of a environmental deprivation. i spent so much time at my grandparents (mothers side) growing up, they had nothing for us to do, they wouldnt try give us anything to do either, no toys, no devices, nothing in the backyard, nothing in the front yard other than geckos under a bit of wood we could only access with assistance, they had a tv but it only had adult shows, sports and music videos in which we weren't aloud to use anyways. i started learning ukrainian through eavesdropping on my nan's phone conversations and once she found out she thought it was amazing, told all the people at the salon she owns and taught me a few things every now and again. if i wasnt at school i was either at my grandparents, the salon or at home, none of those things really had anything to do. at home i had lego but i could only play with it after 5pm to encourage social interactions but the only options for social interaction were the boys on my street and i was the only girl, terrible terrible idea. when i wasnt being forced to hangout with the boys of our street i was in the backyard rolling around with the cat, my dad didnt get home from work until 5pm and my mum was in her office all day. no devices, limited toys, (the lego was in my mums office, but i got a nerf gun eventually and become an aim god from the practice) limited interactions, i had books but i was never a strong reader. id read the blurb, go lie down outside and imagine my own story based off the short description. when my parents finished with work they were still busy, going next door or around the corner to drink forbidden apple juice and watch football, we were never left at home unsupervised but we might as well have been We were completely unsupervised at other peoples houses. Eventually my parents learnt about the importance of these things via their parenting group, got toys for my grandparents house, put aside more time for hanging out, changed their parenting style and got us a bunch of things like trampolines, a cubby house, basketball hoop, unrestricted lego time, wii etc etc. i think it was too late for me though,, as cringy as it sounds.      Thanks for reading my sob story if you did ♡♡ JK i am grateful i think it led to good things, atleast led to the development of qualities i like about myself. it didnt affect my brother tho?? he never learnt ukrainian and is completely normal, unaffected; im not an unobservant prick ive observed him very closely and he is completely fine.

song of the day :P

 Ouh and today i commissioned one of my favourite artists ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) im gonna turn it into a keychain hehhebahbhbdbhbebhb Will graham keychain.