ʕっ˕ -｡ʔ ᶻ 𝗓
mama
ive apologised for this before but my mum has caused me to develop a lot of fears (╥ᆺ╥;) fatphobia is the main one probably, aswell as ai, trust, mcdonalds, kids etc. shes a good mum but her family is so weird and messed up, her mum and sister are so relient on her its borderline emotionally incestuous. they cannot live without each other, shes on call with them for hours everyday crying, gossiping, talking about everything and everything. they all cry together holding hands and hugging whenever they are saying goodbye even tho they all live 5-10 minutes away from each other. i mean.. its great that she has a good relationship with them but it crossed the normal line a long time ago and she is trying to recreate that stuff with me, talking to me like im an adult, her bestfriend, she tells me everything and i swear she has forgotten that im her child ACTUALLy she has admitted it before!! she was talking about wanting to divorce my dad and said "but im scared it will hurt the kids" and i had to say "your talking to the kid". it all makes sense though, she had a rare cancer (osteosarcoma in the ribs) when she was in her early 20s during the mid 2000s meaning she there wasnt nearly enough research and there still isnt, she wasnt meant to live this long and she made sure i knew that when she got sick from it for a few years and had to have major surgery, she was probably meant to die before i started highschool. soooooo its okay, but i feel like it wouldve been the same if she didnt, her mum legitness had no rules whatsoever when she was a kid and wasnt around nearly enough and mama was the oldest sibling in the house at the time (my uncle is older but nan had him when she was 16 so he was put up for adoption, but hes w the family now) so that just adds to it, aswell as the family business being hairdressing, its like the my mum and aunt didnt even get a chance to do what they wanted because they were basically forced into that business. gosh this is too much.
she got so fat when she was sick and the doctors kept warning her to lose weight because it was making it worse but she didnt listen and i was put in charge of watching her eating in which i would have to search the house for her hidden snacks while she was out and throw them out and even after the surgery she just kept gaining, going to maccas every 1-2 days, its so scary to me. she is so reliant of ai too, i can answer her questions but she just asks claud or chatgpt instead. when she was sick and on all these drugs she told me she wasnt meant to or ready to have me, she just did it because it was a miracle that she could (with the side effects of chemotherapy), no regard for the 20 limit time year she was given by doctors, she wasnt even gonna tell me that she was meant to die and if that 20 year time limit had been correct and she had died I would never have known, she would have never told me. i think that is so selfish. Having kids when you have been told you wont be there for 2/3rds of their lives. ill probably attend her funeral before i turn 30.
⤷ she makes jokes about it too, its this whole thing. her coping mechanism; and being hyperempathetic i notice all her little cries but i cant help but watch and ignore, shes trying to recreate her families dynamic with me and i dont want that, i really dont want that. She cuts her fingers on purpose to get band aids from me since my nail/skin biting makes my fingers bleed and requires alot of band aids, while talking about people she soft launches the question she wants me to ask in response But i never do, she projects onto me about things relating to weight because im thin for my age&height Even when there is a completely reasonable explanation for it, she tries to act like a teenager + treat me like im younger because she hates that im 'too mature' (and it has worked, before i couldn't tell if i act older or younger, i think she saw it and pushes towards younger, now i externally act younger and think older. im really unsure how she has done it though, her EQ is below average, i think ive tricked myself into conforming), but the one that makes me the most nervous is her inability to let me go. She says she is going to divorce my dad and move to university to me when i graduate highschool, which would be nice but that means shes choosing me over her mum & sister,, She is willing to leave them behind to grow closer to me. That is how desperate she is getting to connect with me. can you even blame me for emotionally distancing?? shes going to die before me, im just preparing
nat life
pity talk, actually todays blog is all pity talk, We bein pitiful today!!
at the start of the year i was very hard on myself for not being the same as others and avoiding as many conversations in response but now im (almost unwillingly) talking to more people and i didnt realise how much more i do in a day compared to everyone else.
the morning is a nightmare, everything has to stay in the same order in the same time period or else it messes up my thinking abilities for the day; forget to charge my laptop/watch/phone or my brother bouncing a ball on the walk to the bus stop = forget how to concentrate or a piece or content (like.. how to do math).
Once i get to school i dont like to talk because my god! it is like stepping on eggshells around my subconscious for those first 2 hours of consciousness. Which i like, not talking, the start of the day and lunchs are my favourite times of day because i love to watch my surroundings Though even when i dont feel like it i dont have a choice. my senses are unusually high due of my nature plus medication enhancing it. i can feel everyone around me (ᵕ ó ᴗ ò) like they dont have to be in my visual field to be registered and when someone is close enough i can faintly feel their feelings, the doctor says i have a 6th sense But its kinda weird because i have bad hand-eye coordination and depth perception, not sure if how connected those things are though.
But then again staying hyperaware of surroundings is just as much of a bad thing even when it gives me the upper hand in social situations, i have a built in word and tone registration, so when someone says a specific word or something in a specific tone i tune in against my will. WHich sucks because my full attention should be on the class and top kids love to talk when they already understand the topic, even when i understand the topic i still need to listen.
I have 3 inner monologues, 1 is usually on about people/my environment, another is about interests/internet related things/to do list and the 3rd is school work/info, The school one is the first to go when bad things happen (like when morning is messedup) then the interests then environment, a crowded brain going to crickets is really scary. But on really bad days it just super enhances the environment senses/dialogue and it physically hurts, things get so loud, i can smell everything and those smells stick in my nose, i can feel peoples emotions standing further away than usual and ive gotten a few mild hallucinations and when this happens i need to go home.
These 'skills' take up so much energy its so hard to balance school work, social situations and taking care of myself (physically & emotionally). my test results are a huge mix of low 50s and high 70s-low 80s, more 60s than anything though. The day has to go perfectly for the test contents to stay in my head, it doesnt matter how much i studied for the test, only how well i can stay neutral until that period, thinking about staying neutral can mess it up to. So i am very resistant to getting close to people, once they are there they have to stay there, if i dont see them at their designated time (not coming to school or do something else for lunch) it fries my brain. And its not like anyone else is on my level, i feel a huge amount of guilt for that, ive gotten pretty manipulative to maintain my balance and i think its gotten to the point that i cant call myself a good person anymore, i told someone about it and they said if they didnt know the reasoning behind behaviour (once noticed) They wouldve assumed that im a sociopath
though i dont think they know what a sociopath is by definition and even if they did, ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) and ASD (autism spectrum disorder) are separated by a weirdly thin line and im already unusual. ive met so many people that i can relate to in terms of similar experiences but ive never ever met someone that reacted the same way as i have, even in childhood, and i guess that adds to it (・―・)
and that explains why i relate to a weird selection of characters. Benjamin poindexter, will graham, camille preaker, nigel colbie. They all have fuzzy morals and irregular thought processes, i dont relate to them because they are somewhat sociopathic or bad
a few quotes ive been thinking about when talking to people
"when your trauma gets triggered, you dont act your age - you act the age the wound was created"
"somewhere inside me
there is a room
i havent entered in years
i think a younger me
is still sitting there,
wondering why i never came back."
from iwnsatiable on tiktok
thinking about this gif of sam winchester.. x_x
song of the day
fin
P.S. thankyou to anyone that reads (even a portion of) this Lets go on a picnic
