29/09/26

bday wishlist ◕⩊◕

mmm okay

as a nearly 17 year old i have lots of wisdom and with that wisdom i tell you healthy coping mechanisms dont work nearly as well as the unhealthy ones. its terrible advice but atleast its truthful!! aslong as you ensure it only effects people who deserve it then its okay.

with that advice i tell you that my life has been fun without restraints, i REALLY HATE ETHICS so i don care about them anymore and now life is fun!! auhuhubbhhbsbhhehheee!! in my spare time i like to conduct little experiments on my peers, like cause-and-effect, previously i had stopped them because of those ethics but now i have decided that ethics suck, no  one has made any discoveries since they were reenforced. no ethics. ive still got my morals Just not following any ethical guidelines. and i can get away with it too cause in my school environment ive got the 'pity life' role so no consequences (  ❛ ֊ ❛)

i guess i have gone against my morals as of recently though. i like to recreate dynamics whether they are from a piece of media or past ones and they go too far sometimes. i spend so much time alone thinking about these things that i lose track of whats right and wrong so ive just been reading fanfic instead haha but ive been going down little rabbit holes and they get kinda dark, its not a very good substitute. -praying no one asks me for my favourite tags-

!!actually dont listen to any of my advice ive been flagged for exhibiting traits that resemble a personality disorder by my docta!!

KINLIST

will graham, ron anderson, sam winchester, benjamin poindexter, nigel colbie, hijiri sanagi, betty groff

song of tha day

fin. 

14/09/26

ᐡ・ﻌ・ᐡ

wuts up

hi i havent got much to talk about, a girl has been trying to convince me im a sociopath and im losing my marbles!! school is consuming, my out of school time is for watching shows, studying and listening to music. but ive still been thinking alot. School drama T_T

 Ive become good friends with another girl in the past few months but she kinda acts like im a puzzle she can put back together, i guess thats my fault for being funny to her though but I shouldnt have become friends with her in the first place, i know it. I feel like i messed up my life trajectory and shes the result of it, If you understand what im sayin?? I became friends with her because we had the same private study period and a mutual friend had us sitting together on thursdays and then it just stuck. i was playing around with her because im not meant to be in this position, Now im stuck but its okay. ive already had a huge impact on her, she is very open about being envious of me, i sit with her table and whatever tension i could feel when i first sat there has lessened, shes more confident and i teach her my little social tricks. But i feel bad, i dont really care for her presence because we werent meant to cross paths. Everyone i know has come from a meaningful interaction, theyve entered my life with a purpose but she doesnt have one. Shes fun to be around but it feels wrong, i cant help but feel like im corrupting her for whatever reason.. Ive helped her!! Shes happier than before. 

i literally just dont care about her and its scary, ive never felt that way about someone before (in these circumstances). its not like i hate her or anything its just how we became friends, when i met her she fit so well into a stereotype that i played a part i knew she would like to see what would happen and she acted exactly how i predicted. But i felt so much guilt that i broke that character and she was sad for a whole week. that makes me sound terrible but theres a huge emotional gap between my grade and i, my solution was (AND IS) to talk as least as i possibly can and it works but my gosh i cant avoid her now. Or any of the other people i have now started talking to. Im a terrible evil person and i dont blame that girl for thinking im a sociopath

songof day

FIN

4/09/26

υ´• ﻌ •`υ

complain complain complain

i think im a very hard person to get along with (IRL), just cause i have a adaptive self presentation, like social mimicry.. chameleon. (ᴗ_ᴗ.) but wouldnt that make me a easy person to get along with?? no. YEs but no. i dont knwo. coming out of nowhere and presenting yourself as an ideal 'dream' person is not healthy for the receiver. i have spent an unhealthy amount of time keeping up with all sides of the internet, starting from the moment i gained full access to the internet which was in year 7, to now (year 11). its important tho!! you gotta have a vague idea of whats going on in every corner; you can tell alot about a person by the way they use the internet. Gain that one fact and bam! nat came out of nowhere being the girl of yo dreams! i feel terrible though. im still me, just playing into their fantasy and acting oblivious.  So as apart of my moral code i avoid boys at all cost, i dont wanna play into that cool girl shit unintentionally but now i got a buncha lesbians intrigued instead. im trying to ignore it but i cant!!!!!! i have clinically recognised hyper-empathy, i can FEEL their weird emotions when standing next to them. i have dug my own grave. i am sorry world, i am terrible and evil and this is my karma. ive been so easy to get along with that ive done a 360 and ended up being hard to get along with. somehow. though i can be pretty annoying sometimes, an info dumping machine (╥ᆺ╥;) 

⤷⤷ ive hurt so many people and i feel so much guilt, even if it was a subconscious action or very subtle; like knocking over the first domino. i try make sure that they learn more than they hurt but it shouldn't be happening in the first place. i disrupt the social balance and i need to be executed rather than praised online. i cannot help it!! my specific combination of personality traits, experiences and disorders made me beyond strange

more complaining

i have a hard time seeing myself in a relationship, let alone a normal relationship. So that stuff i talked about above is not ideal. i dont even really like any ships in the sense of established romance or like.. following a straight path, it needs to be messy and soul bonding. maybe thats why i lean more towards darker ships, they mean something and it takes something real to get there, something that is unreachable in a normal life under normal circumstances so.. i dont know. i claim title of sx5 archetype! i need to die. i resonate with nigel colbie SO MUCH!!!!!! i am going to spend my entire lifespan fluffing around and experimenting with all these people then crying from the guilt. #KillNatti2026

ships like: hannigram (hannibal lector x will graham), forbie (nigel colbie x alex forbes), hijiri sanagi x kosaka kengo, dexmatt (bullseye x daredevil), rakka x reki haibane renmei etcccccc.

morning routine

get up at 7:00 put my laptop and watch on charge, lock myself in the bathroom and get dressed until 7:40 (to avoid my family of morning people, they are loud and it can disrupt my whole day I dont hate them), fix hair at 7:50, check that everything i need is in my bag including making sure all of my workbooks in my tote bag, grab my watch, put my laptop in my bag, take my medication, check everything is in my bag: airpods, self charger, wired headphones for laptop, all my books, waterbottle etc. talk to brother/mum (optional), give fatty cat a kiss (if i can find her), walk to bus stop at 8:10 and get on bus at 8:15. if any of those are done wrong, any interruptions, any mistakes i cannot concentrate for the rest of the day

song of today

fin